Upon Return
by iknowuknow
Summary: Carlton receives a visit from someone he hasn't seen in awhile, and it throws off the carefully constructed balance his family has built.
1. A Visitor

**For diablobruh587, who asked for more of this universe. Also for Loafer, who inspires me always.**

 **I own nothing. If I did, Lassiet would be cannon.**

 **I always seem to write these in bed late at night. Sequel to "Simply Be" set three years later.** **If you haven't read them, here is the urls for the prequel and for "Simply Be." Just add the fan fiction dot net and a slash beforehand.**

 **So It Begins: s/11645694/1/So-It-Begins**

 **Simply Be: s/11544744/1/Simply-Be**

* * *

Carlton sighed as he looked at the man on the other side of the peep hole. He didn't know why the man was standing on his doorstep. Well, he did know why the man was there. He supposed that a better question would be how the man had found them. Then again, this particular man wasn't known for giving up when he wanted something.

With a sigh, Carlton opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

The other man tried to push his way in, but Carlton held firm. "No, you don't just get to walk in. Give me an answer."

"Why do you always feel the need to protect her? I'm not a danger to her. I'm not a danger to either of them."

Carlton shook his head. "Not physically. You've done a great deal of emotional damage, though, and I need to know why the hell you're here."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be working or traveling the country or something?"

"It's none of your business." That statement alone went a long way to show how long the other man had been gone. Carlton had stopped traveling pretty much as soon as he had appeared on Juliet's doorstep with Julien in tow that fateful day five years ago. He now ran a local gun shop where he specialized in restoring antique firearms for sale to private collectors with a shared love of history, but also sold a great many other fine guns and weaponry. The flexibility of owning his own business had done him well in his new life situation. He had actually been working from home on a recently discovered Remington Model 1858 when the doorbell rang.

The other man shifted his weight and frowned. He had certainly shed a few here and there over the years since Carlton had seen him. In fact, the man almost resembled the way he looked when Carlton had first met him 25 years ago. He could see the age on his face, though, and took a small amount of solace in the fact that the years had not been too kind to him. He looked all fifty-five years, and maybe that explained why Carlton let him in.

The man glanced up at a picture of Marlowe and Lilly hung just inside the door next to a few other frames. He gestured in the direction of the picture. "I'm sorry about that. I wanted to reach out and say something, but..."

Carlton shrugged after the man trailed off. "There's very little you could have said, and we really weren't friends anyway."

"Well, I'm still sorry."

Carlton gestured to the nearby living room. "You're welcome to have a seat. Can I get you a glass of water?"

The other man shook his head. "Why the sudden hospitality?"

"Just because I don't want you here, doesn't mean I won't have manners. I wasn't raised like that."

"No, I suppose you weren't."

The two sat down on the beige couch.

The other man grabbed a flowery pillow and hugged it tight. "So... Read any good books lately?"

"I'm going to make you leave before they get home."

"I'm going to put up a fight."

"I won't fight back."

"I knew you wouldn't. How will you make me leave?"

"I know the Chief of Police."

"I used to know her, too."

Carlton shook his head. "You lost the chance to know her when you walked out that door fourteen years ago."

"Fair enough." He ran a hand through his brown hair. "I'm here now."

"It's too little, too late."

The other man glanced at Carlton's hand, and at the band on his ring finger. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know you didn't. You'd never have had a chance."

"I know. Congratulations, though. You both deserve each other, and I mean that in the best possible way."

Carlton sighed. He was getting far too old to play these games. He almost smiled remembering the party his beautiful wife and step-son had thrown him a few months back. "Cut the crap. Why are you really here, Spencer?"

Shawn sighed and shifted. "After my dad died, I kind of got to thinking."

"You should have come to the funeral. It was a beautiful service."

Shawn nodded. "I know. I was still a little bitter, I guess. I never really forgave him for agreeing with Juliet after everything that happened. It was... It was a lot of yelling and screaming, and I never apologized for the butthead I was being. Then it was too late, and now I'll never have the chance. That's something I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I realized that I want to make amends wherever I can. I know I can never make it up to Juliet. I left, and I sort of ruined her life."

"She's a strong woman, Shawn, and you should give her some credit. She figured it out, and she's the Chief of Police for Christ's sake. I'd say she's done a pretty good job despite you."

Shawn nodded his agreement. "Yeah, I knew her forgiving me would be a long shot. I still want to apologize, though. To both of them. I missed out on a whole bunch of my son's life, and I want to try to make it up to him."

"He doesn't want to see you, Shawn. I can guarantee it."

Shawn's fists clenched. "He's my son."

Carlton just shook his head. "You may have helped create him, but you are no father to that boy."

"Oh, and you are?"

"No, and I don't pretend to be. I try to be a positive male influence, though. I've always tried to be that for him. I love him like he's my own son, and I would do anything to protect him. I would lay down my life to protect either of them."

Carlton looked down at his watch, then stood. "It's time for you to leave, Spencer. We both know I won't use physical force to move you, but I can promise you don't want to be here when that bus arrives."

He walked over to the door and opened it.

Shawn reluctantly stood. "I'll leave for now, but I'm not leaving town. I need to make these amends, Lassie. I need to apologize before it tears me apart."

Carlton just shook his head. "I know that's what is best for you, but I'm trying to think of what's best for my family. Goodbye, Spencer."

And with that, he shut the door. He watched the younger man walk out to an old truck, one he realized had once belonged to Henry Spencer, then peel out toward the center of town. He knew that he hadn't seen the last of the other man. Shawn Spencer was nothing if not resilient. He just hoped for the sake of everyone involved that none of this would blow up in his face. Only time would tell.

* * *

 **I will write more. This is not the end. Hopefully this read alright. I'm not sure how in-character any of them will be at this point. They've all been through a lot.**


	2. A Tough Conversation (Or Two)

Carlton debated over what to tell his wife and step-son. He debated whether the visit even warranted mentioning. Shawn wasn't likely to give up, though. In the end, he decided they needed to know - if only so that they could prepare for what was to come.

He made a grilled chicken salad out of leftovers from the night before, then paired that with pasta and vodka sauce. He'd rediscovered his love of cooking while visiting Italy, and this dish was quite tame compared to his usual Friday meals. Juliet had gotten him a pasta maker for their first wedding anniversary, but he still almost considered going out and buying the boxed stuff. He was _not_ looking forward to this conversation. Working with his hands in any fashion had always been therapeutic for him, though, and rolling the pasta was no different. When Julian arrived home, he made sure to greet him as normally as possible.

"How was school, Jay?"

Julian shrugged as he threw his backpack down. "Normal. It's high school, Carlton, and I'm new."

Carlton frowned. "Still haven't made any friends?"

They'd just moved to Ventura over the summer when Juliet was offered a position as Chief of Police. It had seemed like a perfect chance for the whole family to start over new. Carlton was able to find affordable real estate for his shop, and Julian enjoyed spending the summer with Carlton's nephew, James, who was just a few months older than Julian. Unfortunately, his sister Lauren lived in a different school zone. Julian was struggling to make new friends, and he had started to take it out on those around him. Carlton knew that this news wouldn't help the boy's spirits any.

Julian scowled, took off his black Converse high tops, and picked back up his backpack. He didn't look at Carlton as he tried to storm past him. Carlton put down the pasta and followed him to his bedroom.

"Look, Jay, I know it's hard on you," Carlton said as he stood in the doorway. "I promise it will get better."

Julian looked up at him angrily. "How could you possibly know that, Carlton? They all _hate_ me."

Carlton came to sit next to the boy on the edge of his bed. "I doubt they hate you. It's only been two weeks. Even you aren't that annoying."

Julian rolled his eyes, but Carlton detected a hint of a smile.

"Did you join any clubs like your mom suggested?"

Julian shook his head. "I was going to, but I got a little... you know... scared."

Carlton nodded. "It's new, and new is always scary."

"Sometimes, I wish I could be more like... you know."

Carlton did know.

Julian sighed. "But then I don't want to be anything like him at all."

Carlton placed a hand on his back. "What he did to you... That's a side of him no one likes. He isn't all bad, though. You know this. You got a lot of his good qualities."

"Like what?"

"Well, like your memory."

"That's all anyone can ever come up with that's good about him. In all the stories, he's pretty much a jerk who walks all over people just because he notices things super well. Honestly, I barely even know him outside of stories."

They'd had this conversation before, and Carlton knew there was really nothing he could say. He always tried, though. He wasn't good at giving up. He supposed in some ways, Shawn and Julian weren't great at it either. "You got a bit of his dedication."

Julian scoffed. "What dedication? He had a million jobs. I've heard the stories from Uncle Gus. The only thing that stuck was Psych, and he stuck around for you and my mom and Grandpa, and then I came along and..." He threw a nearby book on the floor and stood up. "And where was that dedication then, huh?"

Carlton looked at a picture of a smiling toddler and a grinning brunet man. "He does love you, Jay. He always has."

"Well, he sure has a great way of showing it." He sat down with a resigned sigh. "I've got homework to do, Carlton. I'm kinda done talking, okay?"

Carlton rose and nodded. "I have to go finish dinner, anyway. Just remember I'm always here and I'm always on your side, okay? No matter what happens, I am always on your side."

Julian nodded, then shut the door behind Carlton.

* * *

After the conversation with Julian, who was getting more and more bitter about his father as the years passed, Carlton was more nervous than ever to have to break this news to them. He knew without a doubt that this news would hurt them.

Juliet got home at 5:15, and she immediately noticed that something was up. She didn't say anything, though, until they were rinsing the dishes after dinner.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Carlton shook his head. "You know I tell you everything, but I don't want to tell you this."

She rested a hand on his chest and looked into his eyes.

He sighed. "Shawn stopped by today."

"He what?" she asked with alarm. "How?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea how he figured out where we lived. He didn't seem to know we got married, or even that I ever stopped traveling. I'm not really sure how he found out one without the other."

Juliet shook her head and leaned her back against the counter. "He just couldn't leave well enough alone, now, could he. Did he say why he was here?"

"To make amends. He said Henry's death got him thinking."

Her face turned to confusion. "He didn't even come to the funeral."

Carlton nodded. "I mentioned that. He said he was too bitter to come. He sort of glossed over how a funeral from seven months ago somehow got him thinking today."

Juliet shook her head and returned to the last dish. "Shawn logic. Who knows if that's even the real reason? It's not like he's the most honest man."

Carlton snorted. "That's an understatement. I made him leave before Jay got home, but it seemed pretty clear he's not giving up."

Juliet sighed as she placed the dish in the dishwasher. "I hope for his son's sake he can learn how."

She dried her hands on the towel hanging on the bar of the oven. The two turned out of the kitchen just in time to see Julien's frame disappear into his room with muffled sobs. Carlton made a move to go after him, but Juliet shook her head.

"Let me handle this."

Carlton sighed and headed to their bedroom. Damn Shawn and his popping in and out whenever he pleased. Fantastic revelation or not, he really had no right to be in his son's life. In either of their lives. He wasn't there when Julian was colicky and wouldn't sleep. He wasn't there when Juliet called he and Marlowe up frantically because two-year-old Julian somehow caught pneumonia at preschool and was fighting for his little life. He wasn't there when Julian tried to fly off the jungle gym at age six and broke his arm. He wasn't there when an older boy punched Julian in the face in fifth grade and nearly fractured his jawbone. He wasn't there when Juliet cried herself to sleep at night because she was overwhelmed by the stress of being entirely alone with their son. He wasn't there for a million things, big and small, that Carlton would have given his life to experience with Lilly. Ups and downs, highs and lows... He. Wasn't. There. He had no right to come upset these beautiful people that were now Carlton's, and Carlton decided then and there that he would do everything in his power to make sure that Shawn Spencer never had the power to hurt them again.


	3. A Step in the Wrong Direction

**This one is a longer one. The words kept on coming, so I let them.**

When Juliet came to bed that night, it was solemnly. Julian was incredibly upset at the news of his father being in town, and nothing she said had seemed to help him any. While she still didn't understand how her ex had found them, or the real reason why, she almost didn't care. He had arrived in town, and they would need to deal with it. Shawn Spencer didn't know how to quit when he really wanted something, and she wasn't stupid enough to think he wouldn't ignore the pain he was causing to get it.

"Try to relax?"

She looked over at her husband, who spoke with eyes half-lidded. "I'm not sure I can right now."

Carlton reached out and pulled her close enough that she could feel his worn t-shirt and the warmth of his breath. "Just try. Worrying about it won't get you anywhere. Trust me."

She knew he was right, and tried to take deep breaths. Sleep didn't come easily, but it claimed her eventually.

* * *

The next morning was a Saturday, and only Carlton had somewhere to be. He had a client coming to see an old Colt he'd restored, and the meeting was scheduled for around 8:30.

He decided to let Juliet sleep in as long as possible, so he got ready quietly and crept out of the bedroom. He could hear noises coming from Julian's room, but he knew his step-son needed space. He made sausage and eggs, leaving some leftovers, and left a fresh pot of coffee brewing. He left a scrawled note on the counter mentioning the refrigerated leftovers in case Julian should get hungry during his gaming, then left quietly out the front door.

When Juliet awoke around ten, she felt much better than she had the night before. Just because Shawn was in town didn't mean he would necessarily find them. He knew where they lived, so maybe they just needed to get out for a bit. In fact, a distraction seemed like exactly what they both needed. She got ready fairly quickly, then knocked on Julian's door and popped her head in. He was playing a game, but paused it.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hey. I was thinking maybe we could go to the mall today? Maybe check out that new 4D gaming rig at the Windows store?"

Julian smiled. "Can we? I've been wanting to see it in person. James said he and Uncle Bryan saw it last weekend when they went to the mall with Aunt Lauren and it was totally awesome!"

Juliet laughed. "Sounds like a blast to me. Get dressed and meet me downstairs and we can grab a quick breakfast on our way."

* * *

The gaming rig turned out to be just as cool as James had described it as being. They spent over an hour in the store taking turns with other patrons, then walked around the mall for a while finding Julian some new clothes since he was starting to outgrow the old ones. They headed to the food court to grab lunch around 1:30. They got Chinese food and chatted animatedly while they ate about the rig and a few other things they had seen. They were just throwing away their trash when none other than Shawn Spencer appeared.

He approached them slowly with his hands in his pockets. "Hey, guys."

Julian looked ready to bolt, but he stood his ground.

"Why are you here, Shawn?" Juliet asked.

Shawn shrugged. "Just wanted to see how you guys are doing." He looked Julian up and down. "Wow, kid, you've gotten big!"

"Tends to happen when you're not four anymore," Julian fired back.

"Fair enough," Shawn responded. "Look, I wanted to apologize to you guys. I know I've done some things to hurt you guys."

"That's the understatement of the century," Julian responded.

Juliet nodded.

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"You can disappear off the face off the earth," Julian replied. He turned to walk away.

"Julian, wait!" Shawn called.

"No, I have nothing at all to say to you and I don't want to hear another word!" Julian shouted the last part, then turned and ran in the opposite direction.

Shawn started after him. "Julian-"

"It's 'Jay,' now. No one calls him 'Julian' anymore."

Shawn sputtered as he looked at his ex-wife. "But how could I possibly know that?"

Juliet just shook her head and turned to go after their son. She looked back over her shoulder.

"No one expects you to."

Then she walked away.

She found Julian in the GameStop, as she knew she would.

"You ready to go home?"

He nodded.

He didn't speak a word the whole way home, and went straight back to his video game when they got there. Juliet walked out to the backyard to sit on their garden swing, then called Carlton.

"Juliet?"

"Hi, Carlton," she responded through tears. "He was at the mall."

"What? Oh, I'm sorry. What did he say?"

"He tried to apologize. Told Jay he's gotten bigger. Asked how he could make it up to us."

"And then?"

"Well," she chuckled slightly. "Jay told him to disappear off the face off the earth. Then he ran away."

"Julian or Shawn?"

"Julian. He ran to GameStop."

"Is he okay?"

Juliet sighed. "I don't know. He was quiet the whole way home. He's just in his room playing some video games. I think he needs some space."

"Probably does. We can take it easy tonight. Maybe order a pizza the way he likes it and rent that new Marvel movie we missed in theaters."

Juliet smiled, though she knew he couldn't see it. "I like that plan. When will you be home?"

Carlton looked at his watch. "I have one more client coming in half an hour, then I should be home around 4-4:30."

"Okay, I'll see you then. Love you."

"Love you, too."

It had taken years of therapy to get her son to a place where he didn't feel worthless and unwanted most of the time. Years of different doctors and different treatments to find a natural supplement that helped him handle the depression that threatened to rip him apart just a few years ago. She herself had struggled a great deal, and had no idea where she would be without the love and support Carlton had given her through it all. The two of them had bonded through years of trust, but they had lost that close bond for a while there. She knew in large part that her own choices were to blame for that. Through a great deal of pain, though, they had found each other again and grown closer and closer. She had no idea what to do about Shawn, but she knew that at least she didn't have to go at it alone. Carlton was on their side, and he would help them face whatever Shawn could throw at them.

* * *

Dinner and a movie turned out to be a pleasant affair for all. Julian still seemed off, but he obviously enjoyed the attention. They tried to do a family night once a week, but busy schedules sometimes meant it got pushed back or skipped altogether. Since moving, they had been especially busy as Juliet got settled in her new station and Carlton got his business running. They hadn't been ignoring Julian, but they certainly hadn't had as much time for him as both wished to. They watched "Deadpool Vs. Spiderman," which both agreed had likely earned its R rating. Julian seemed unfazed, though, and both knew he had unfortunately seen and heard worse accidentally as a cop's kid. They ate pizza with sausage, pepperoni, spinach, and green peppers - Julian's very favorite kind of pizza. Altogether, the night was good and the three went their separate ways around 9:30. Julian went up to play his game, and Juliet and Carlton settled in to watch an episode from the 29th season of _Law and Order: SVU._

Despite the night having gone well, Juliet still found it hard to sleep. Shawn had proven he could find them if he wanted to. She knew too well to believe it was a coincidence. She did wonder what means he was using to find them, and also whether all of his methods were legal. There was one detective she could trust to look into this for her discreetly, and she decided she would talk to him about it the next day. No reason to bother him so late at night, and it could always wait until Monday if he didn't answer the next day. Shawn didn't present any physical danger to them, so it really was no emergency. Still, she struggled to fall asleep. She finally fell asleep around four AM, and woke up again when she heard the shower at seven. Carlton only took private clients on Sundays, and he assured her that he only had two. She fell back into a fitful sleep.

Juliet awoke a few hours later feeling only marginally more rested than when she fell asleep the first time. Her dreams had been less than nice, and her sleep had been fitful. She took a warm shower and changed into jeans and a soft shirt in plain black. The clock read 11:11, and she silently made a wish that the day would go by without any drama. Unfortunately, wishing on a clock is not a very effective means of avoiding something. She encountered chaos the moment she entered her son's room.

Julian himself sat calmly playing Doom Century Z on his Playstation VI, but the room around him was in tatters. Clothes were strewn about the floor near his open dresser drawers, his blankets and sheets were across the room from his bed, a few broken pencil shards were on his desk, papers lay crumpled at the foot of his bed, the picture of him and Shawn lay shattered on the floor, and the blue bear he had owned his whole life was missing a head.

Her first reaction was to be angry with her son, but she realized when she really looked at him that he had been crying. A single tear was falling down the side of his face. She knelt down and hugged him tightly, and the floodgates opened up. She held him as he cried, and she cried along with him.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to. I just- I just got so angry. I didn't know how to handle it and it's like I wasn't even in control anymore."

He looked around the room and began to cry harder. "I ripped Bluie's head off. I know I'm getting too old for him, but I need him."

She held him tighter and rubbed the back of his head. "Shh. It's okay, baby. We can fix it. And you're never too old to need comfort. Bluie's been by your side through everything."

He nodded sadly, and laid his head against her chest. He hugged her back tightly as he continued to cry.

"Why did he have to come, Mom? Why couldn't he just leave us alone? We were okay. I was finally okay. I mean, school sucks. But still! I was okay and it's not fair! It's just not fair! He gets to do whatever he wants and just come and go and I'm supposed to just be okay with it? It makes me so angry!"

She nodded and just held him. Nothing she could say would mend the broken heart in his chest, no matter how badly she wished to have the answer. She still didn't know why Shawn was really around, but she was determined now to find out. For her sake as well as Julian's.


	4. Our Crosses to Bear

**This one kind of ran away with me. I had a rough plan for this chapter, and I ended up moving it because Carlton and Julian just got to talking.**

After Julian was calm and playing his game again, Juliet left the room and went downstairs. She called up Carlton first to warn him about the destruction and Julian's current state, then pulled up another number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Buzz. I was hoping to ask a favor of you."

Buzz had transferred up to Ventura just a few years after Carlton resigned as Santa Barbara's chief. He'd flourished under the tutelage of Betsy Brannigan, and had become a fine detective. When the senior detective position came up in Ventura, Carlton himself had written the man a glowing recommendation over email. Buzz was instrumental in getting Juliet's name in front of the mayor of Ventura. Since both the chief and the head detective had resigned, Juliet promoted Buzz to be her head detective and work directly under her. It gave her a much-needed familiar and trustworthy face as she navigated the new position, and it gave Buzz the promotion he needed to pay for Edwin Jr's upcoming college tuition.

"What can I help you with, Chief?"

"Well... Shawn is in town."

"Shawn? As in Shawn Spencer?"

Buzz had always admired Shawn, but even he couldn't look past what Shawn had done by leaving Juliet and their son.

"He found where we live, and then he conveniently appeared at the mall. I just want to find out what he's doing and why he's here. Can you help me?"

"Of course I can! Francie and I are at a party right now for her nephew, but I can look into it once we get home."

"Thank you, Buzz! You have no idea how much this means to me."

"You're my chief and you're my friend. I would do this and more for you."

They ended the call pleasantly, then Juliet went to find the sewing kit to help Julian fix poor Bluie.

* * *

The rest of the day went by without much consequence. Carlton came home just after noon, and he and Juliet talked for awhile about how to help Julian. In the end, they decided to just pretend everything was normal. By the time Carlton went up to his room at around 2:30 to bring him a sandwich for lunch, he had returned everything to its proper place with meticulous detail.

Carlton set the plate down next to Julian and sat down. Julian picked up a stray Cheeto and began to eat it. Without saying a word, he switched to multiplayer and handed Carlton a controller. Carlton had never been big on video games, but he'd gotten used to them with Julian. Video games served as an escape for Julian in much the same way cooking always had for Carlton. While he usually preferred to play alone, he occasionally enjoyed Carlton's company. It was also a good sign that the boy had something he wanted to talk about.

They played in relative silence while Julian ate, undercut only by the low sounds of music and shooting on the screen. It was around fifteen minutes before the boy spoke.

"I had one of my episodes today."

"I heard."

"I ripped Bluie's head off."

Carlton nodded. "But you fixed all of the damage."

"Yeah."

They played quietly for a few more minutes.

"Why am I like that, Carlton? Why do I get so... so emotional? And out of control?"

Carlton sighed. He paused the game and looked at his step-son. "Did I ever tell you about the summer when I was fifteen?"

Julian shook his head.

"Well, my plan for the summer had been to go out and help Hank over in Old Sonora. You remember Hank."

Julian nodded. Hank Mendel now lived in a retirement village in Goleta. They'd gone to visit him shortly after moving to Ventura. At 90 years young, he was still kicking and still causing Miss Annie grief.

"Well, I had it all planned out. I was leaving as soon as school was out, and I planned to stay and work out there all summer. I had a bag packed and everything. When I got home from school, though, there was my dad. He said he was there to take me on an adventure."

"But he was never around," Julian pointed out. "Why would you give up your plans for him?"

"I didn't plan to. In fact, I tried to brush right past him and go get my stuff. I wanted nothing to do with him."

"So you didn't talk to him?"

"Oh, I did. I did because LuLu wanted to spend time with him. You know that Aunt Lauren is the same age as your mom, so a lot younger than I am. She was only four, and she never really dealt with Dad leaving like the rest of us did."

"She was too little."

Carlton nodded. "She didn't really understand until she was around 12 just what Dad did. He came back just long enough to get my mom pregnant, then he took off again. LuLu had only ever met our dad once before that summer, and she was super excited to have him there."

"And you went on an adventure?"

Carlton shook his head. "He stayed in our guest room all summer and ate our food. I still don't know where he got the cash, but he went out and got drunk every single night. He told LuLu it was medicine. Even had my older sister run out and get him some during the brief time she was home from college over the summer. He kept saying we would leave on our adventure as soon as he felt better."

"And you let him just drink all the time?"

"I couldn't do much. My mom refused to kick him out, and I was only fifteen."

"Well when did he finally leave?"

"Just before school started. LuLu was asking again about the adventure, and he told her to buzz off. She ran to her room crying. I'd had it. I told my mom that she needed to kick him out, but she refused. They never divorced, either. I think my mom just couldn't bear to allow a marriage to have failed. I got angry. I got more angry than I had ever been in my life. I was mad at him for showing up, I was mad at my mom for not kicking him out, and I was mad at myself for not doing anything sooner. I got in his face and told him to get the hell out of my house or I would make him."

"And he did?"

"Yeah. I'm still not sure why. I was tall and had some muscle, but I was still just a kid. He'd knocked me around before, so I'm not sure why this time was any different. He left, though. He left, and I never saw him again."

"Where is he now?"

"He died when I was in my early twenties. I found out about my half-brother in South America when I got the news. I was told by my brother that he drove his car drunk and went right off the side of a bridge. Part of me was happy about it. I didn't go to the funeral, but I did go to see my mom after. I hadn't seen her in years. Grandma Althea was there. I asked her if there was something wrong with me that made me ignore my mom for nearly a decade. I asked her what made me so unable to love people to the point where I was happy my dad died."

"Is this the part that relates to me?"

Carlton nodded. "Althea told me that we all have circumstances in our lives that mold and shape us into who we are. They happen when we are young and have no control over our lives, but they effect us for all of our lives. Sometimes we can handle these things on our own, and sometimes we need to be brave enough to admit that we need help. Everyone has these things, though. She's very Catholic, so she called it 'Our crosses to bear.'"

"And my anger and depression are my crosses to bear?"

Carlton nodded. "They exist because of something that happened to you when you were too young to have any control. Having these struggles doesn't make you wrong, though. The struggles are what make you human."

"What else did Althea say?"

"She said Jesus was beaten and weak and still had to carry his cross, but a man took the cross and carried it for him. She told me that when we are weak and worn, sometimes we struggle under the weight of life's troubles. It's at times like those that we need to ask for help."

"And did you?"

"Not right away. I wasn't ready to let go of the resentment I held for either of my parents, though I did make a point to see my mom more often. I ended up trying to fill that hole my parents left, and I turned to a woman named Victoria. We got married, but the love wasn't really there. I was too stubborn to admit my failure. I suppose I got that from my mom. She dragged me along for five years before we got divorced."

"What finally helped you?"

Carlton looked over to Julian's desk. The picture of he and Shawn was back in its frame, though sans glass. Next to it stood a frame from his and Juliet's wedding. The picture inside showed Carlton and Juliet all dressed up and laughing at something Julian was saying.

"Your mom did."

"Really? How?"

Carlton saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He smiled and looked to the doorway where Juliet had appeared. "Most people in my life dealt with me because they had to."

He looked back at Julian. "I'm sure you've heard enough stories to know I wasn't always very nice. Your mom, though... she was different. She chose to stay my partner, and more importantly friend, through anything I threw at her. She called me out when my behavior was unreasonable, but she never did it in a way that made me feel like anything was wrong with me."

"If you guys were so close, why didn't you marry her then?"

Juliet came and sat down next to him. "We were partners and friends, and neither of us ever thought to be anything other than partners and friends. That was enough for us at the time."

Julian rolled his eyes. "It was obvious to anyone with eyes that you loved each other, though. At least it was to me."

Carlton laughed. "You'll learn in life that it's sometimes easier to lie to yourself than it is to lie to others. I like to believe we just weren't ready yet. We needed to live a little more life. I needed Marlowe and Lilly, and your mom needed to move to San Francisco and have you."

Julian grumbled something under his breath.

"What did you say?" Juliet asked.

Julian sighed. "I said sometimes I wish you hadn't. Maybe then... well..."

Carlton shook his head. "You think your dad wouldn't have left if you weren't born?"

Julian nodded slowly.

Juliet pulled him into a fierce hug. "Never ever for one moment regret being born, Julian Spencer. I've told you before - your dad made his choice based on reasons that had nothing to do with you, and that's his loss."

Julian sighed. "But maybe if I hadn't been born then things would have been easier. Maybe he would have stayed longer or something."

Carlton shook his head. "Your dad was never very good at staying in one place, and I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. I promise you, Jay, that this is not your fault. Not even a little bit."

Juliet nodded. "He was never a very good husband, and part of me is glad that he left when he did. The one good thing that came out of that marriage was you, though, Jay. You're my favorite person in the whole world, and I wouldn't trade you for anything. You are my whole world. Always have been; always will be."

Before he could say anything else, she stood them both up and gave him a light tap on the bottom. "Go take a shower. Aunt Lauren and James are coming over for dinner around five and I want you clean."

Julian smiled and nodded, then rushed off to his bathroom.

Once he was clear of the room, Juliet broke into tears. Carlton held her close and rubbed her back.

"What are we going to do, Carlton? Shawn's appearance is bringing up all these things I thought we had solved, and I know he isn't going anywhere until he gets what he wants. I just wish I knew what he really wanted. I find it hard to believe he would go to all of this trouble just to apologize."

Carlton just kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I don't know, Juliet. What I do know is that we will handle this like we always do. Together."

 **Hopefully that was a decent place to end it for now. Like I said, it kind of took on a life of it's own. I also hope I didn't offend anyone when Althea got religious. It's something my mom used to tell me when I was younger, and it seemed fitting.**


	5. Pizza

James and Lauren arrived right on schedule, and the five had a pleasant dinner of french dip sandwiches - or roast beef on a baguette dipped in au jus. They paired that with steamed asparagus and fruit salad, then finished with a chocolate pie that had Lauren receiving high praise from all. After dinner, the boys went upstairs while the adults talked.

"So, I heard Shawn is in town."

Both Juliet and Carlton looked at her in surprise.

"How did you know that, LuLu?"

Lauren laughed. "You forget that I still talk to Gus occasionally. Shawn paid his family a visit. How are you guys handling it?"

"The more important question is how Julian is handling it," Juliet replied.

"Not well?"

Carlton and Juliet shook their heads.

"Gus told me he's on some mission to make amends to everyone he's wronged."

"And Gus believes him?"

Lauren shrugged. "Gus said he doesn't really know what Shawn's aim was. He just kinda appeared at Gus's house last Thursday around 7PM. He handed him a pineapple with a bow and walked in. Said he was there to apologize and meet Gus's family. I didn't ask him too many questions about it. He was mostly calling because Bryan's phone died and he's supposed to be assisting on one of Bryan's cases. I bet he'd tell you if you asked, though."

* * *

James yelled as his character died again. "Dude, we are sucking majorly!"

Julian laughed. " _You're_ sucking majorly."

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever, man. You're the one who didn't grab the demon rune."

"I was going for the BFG! Besides, they had an A-Mod. You know demons are useless against aliens."

"True. So what's going on with you, man. You're not talking much."

Julian shrugged. "My dad came into town. You know I'm not his biggest fan."

James nodded. "That sucks, man. I hope he leaves or something."

"Yeah. Alright, this time _you_ go for the first demon rune that appears. Hopefully, no one has had enough points for an A-Mod this round."

* * *

After Lauren and James left, and after she made sure Julian was settled and going to bed, Juliet gave Gus a call.

"Juliet! It's been awhile."

Gus had moved back to Santa Barbara shortly after Shawn left. He now lived in a nice house near his parents with his wife and kids. Despite his fairly close proximity, they had not seen each other since their housewarming party the month before.

"Hello, Gus. How have you been?"

"I've been alright. I'm not naive enough to think this is a social call, though. You're calling about Shawn?"

"Yes. Is he really here just to apologize?"

"It seems that way. He showed up and apologized to me for disappearing for all those years. I told him I wasn't the one he really owed an apology to."

"He stopped by on Friday and told Carlton that his dad's funeral got him thinking and wanting to make amends."

"His dad's funeral? That was seven months ago!"

"Exactly. That had us confused, too. Did he give you a reason for showing up?"

"I'm sorry, Juliet; I didn't ask."

"I understand. Will you let me know if you hear from him again? He showed up again at the mall yesterday, and his appearance is throwing Julian off."

"Of course I will. In fact, I'll even try to get in contact with him and do some recon - stealth style. It's time to flip the jackal switch."

"Thank you, Gus. Have a good night," Juliet finished.

"You as well."

She told Carlton what Gus said as they were getting ready for bed.

"Hopefully he can find something out," Carlton told her. "Until then, just try to get some sleep."

* * *

When Carlton got home the next day around 5, he found a pizza on his front step. His first thought was to shoot it, just in case, but he had mellowed with the years. After he parked in the garage, he slowly and warily approached the pizza. A note sat on top reading "Delicious flavor makes a delicious apology." The pizza inside was decked in pineapple, and Carlton immediately took it to the garage trashcan. Julian had beat him home today, and the pizza was not very warm, so he just hoped the pizza had arrived at some point after 3:30.

"Jay? You home?" he called as he walked inside.

He didn't get a response, so he headed upstairs. Julian was in his room. He had headphones in and homework in front of him. Never one to disturb homework time, Carlton turned to go.

"Carlton?"

He turned back around. Julian had one headphone out and was looking at him.

"I was just checking to make sure you got home okay."

Julian nodded. "Um... did you get rid of the pizza?"

Carlton sighed as he nodded. "I was hoping you didn't see it."

"He, uh..." Julian rubbed the back of his neck. "He tried to follow me in."

"He what? Why didn't you call your mom or me? Or the police?"

Julian shrugged. "I didn't want to deal with it. Is that bad? Also, he's still kind of my dad and I don't want him to go to jail or something."

Carlton came into the room and sat down on the bed. "I wish I had a perfect response for you, Jay. I can understand why you didn't want to deal with it, but it also worries me. You should feel like you can safely come home without needing to be worried. I'm not saying I want your dad in jail, but please call someone next time? He shouldn't be trying to follow you in. That's crossing a line."

Julian nodded. "Okay."

"So he tried to follow you in, and then?"

Julian shrugged. "I locked the door. He started ringing the bell and knocking. I didn't want to deal with it, so I came upstairs and put my headphones in."

"And did he say anything to you?"

"Just that he was sorry and he wanted to talk to me. I told him I still have nothing to say to him. I'm sorry I didn't call. I guess that could have been a bad decision."

Carlton took a deep breath, then stood up. "Sounds like you handled it pretty well. Make sure to call someone next time, just to be safe."

He walked toward the door, then turned back one more time. "But I'm proud of you. You took care of yourself, Jay. That's _always_ a good decision."

 **Sorry this one is shorter. Something I run into often is when I have a great scene planned that I struggle to get to. I have to do some filler stuff to get to it, but it's coming. Shawn is trying,** **he's just going about it the wrong way.**


	6. The Pen is Mightier

"I figured you would show up here eventually."

Shawn looked up at the tall frame of Head Detective McNab, partially blocking out the Thursday morning sun as he stood on the station steps. "Did he eat the pizza?"

"Pizza?"

"I left him a pineapple pizza a few days ago."

"I don't know, but I doubt it. From what little I know of him, he's not very big on pineapple."

Shawn nodded sadly. "Of course not."

The two stood in silence for a few minutes. A squad car pulled in, and Shawn followed the two officers with his eyes as they entered the station.

"I can't let you in, Shawn."

"Yeah, I understand that."

Buzz looked surprised. He had expected more of a fight.

"Could you do me a favor, Buzz?"

"It depends on what it is."

"Can you take me to Carlton's shop?"

Buzz thought for a moment. "I can, but only if you answer some of my questions."

Shawn rubbed the back of his neck. "I'll try."

"Why are you here, Shawn?"

"I'm here to make amends. Try to fix my mistakes, you know?"

"And that's it? That's the only reason?"

Shawn nodded.

"Okay, next question. How did you know where Carlton and Juliet moved to?"

"I actually didn't know they had gotten married until I showed up and he was standing there with a ring on. As for how I found them, I saw a card on Gus's fridge inviting him to a housewarming party last month. I'm not sure how I missed Carlton's name, but I did."

"Fair enough. How did you know Juliet and Julian would be at the mall?"

Shawn shrugged. "I didn't. I wanted to check out that new 4D gaming rig I'd seen an ad about, and then I got hungry. I headed to the food court, and there they were. Can you take me to the shop now?"

Buzz gestured to his car.

* * *

The bell chimed, and Carlton looked up from the gun he had been cleaning.

"Buzz," he greeted as he nodded his head toward the other man. He then turned back to his work.

Shawn approached the counter. "Hello, Carlton."

"It's been a few days. I thought maybe you left town again."

Shawn shook his head. "I had some business to attend to on Tuesday, and that made it a little hard to do much on Wednesday."

Carlton looked up and put the rag down. "Vague, but I don't care as long as it doesn't involve my family."

Shawn shrugged. Carlton noticed how very thin and tired he looked, but he figured once again that the years had not been kind to Shawn Spencer.

"So why are you here?"

Shawn pulled out a Glock 19 and set it on the counter. "I wanted to get a holster for this. Figured maybe you could hook me up."

"Do you have a permit?"

Shawn nodded. "I got my CCW permit while I was in Colorado."

"We don't recognize Colorado permits here. You'd have to get one from California. Did you buy it in Colorado?"

Shawn nodded again.

"Well, you have sixty days from the time you came to our state to register it. Meanwhile, you cannot carry it concealed without a permit, and the state of California does not allow you to open carry a handgun in any incorporated area. I'll have Buzz escort you home so that you can keep your gun. You'll need to get a California permit if you want to carry, though. Otherwise, it shouldn't really be leaving your house. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I'd really prefer you not stay in the state."

Shawn looked obviously annoyed, but said nothing.

"Also, think very carefully before you go near Julian with a firearm. It might not go well."

"What's his deal?"

Carlton growled. "His _deal_?"

Shawn had the good sense to look sheepish. "I didn't mean it like that. He seems like he reacts kind of strongly to things. I guess I just... I don't know him very well."

"And whose fault is that?"

Shawn's face turned to anger this time. "I know I screwed up, but at least I'm trying!"

Carlton shook his head. "It's not enough, Spencer. It will never be enough. What you did - it really messed him up. Popping in and out like that? He didn't take it well. He got older and started to form his own ideas about life and himself. About you, and why you left."

"What do you mean? He blames himself?"

"Well, wouldn't you? His father was around long enough for him to be born, then up and disappeared right away. Whatever your reasons may have been, Julian believes it was his fault. Juliet put him in therapy when he was nine, but it didn't help all that much on its own. He takes a daily supplement so that he doesn't get suicidally depressed. It works most of the time, but we still worry about him. He flies into fits of uncontrollable rage when he gets too upset. He usually just damages things, but sometimes..." Carlton trailed off and frowned. "Sometimes, he hurts himself. We got him involved in the martial arts, and that helped him channel himself a lot. Video games, too. He still struggles, though. He's fourteen years old, and he struggles every day. You did that, Shawn. So _that_ is his _deal."_

With evident shock all over his face, Shawn slowly turned and walked toward the door. "I'm ready to go, Buzz."

* * *

Juliet arrived home at 6:15, and was surprised to discover that she had beat her husband home. She figured he must have a private client, so she texted him as she walked inside. Oddly enough, she saw no sign of Julian either. She got her answer when her phone pinged.

Juliet: Working late tonight?

Carlton: Actually, we're over at Henry's old place

Carlton: With Shawn

Juliet: What?

Carlton: J wanted to come

Carlton: Read the note on the counter, then come

Juliet walked over to the counter and picked up a sheet of college ruled paper. On it, she read words she never thought she would read.

 _Dear Julian,_

 _Nothing that I say or do will ever make it up to you. I can see that now. I know everyone has been wondering what I'm really doing here, and why I showed up now. I really only felt like it was your business to know. I told everyone that my father's death got me thinking. It did, but that wasn't the whole truth. The truth is that I might be dying. I found out a few months ago that I have cancer. To be exact, I have malignant melanoma. Turns out that not wearing sunscreen for all my life had some downsides. The good news is that it has a high rate of disappearing. The bad news is that it also spreads fairly easily. I got to thinking, though, about how much I regretted not going to my father's funeral. Even more than that, I realized that I regretted never making amends with him. My dad wasn't perfect, but he really tried. I hope your mom let you get to know him well enough to know what a good man he really was. In fact, I'm sure she did. I'm sure she did because your mom is a truly good person._

 _We decided to call you Julian Carl Spencer so that you would never forget where you came from. A little bit of your mom, a little bit of me, and a middle name to honor a man who impacted both of our lives greatly. It's much more fitting now that he's your step-father. It's only right that he be in your name somewhere. He's been more of a father to you than I ever was. To be honest, I would understand if you wanted to be a Lassiter instead of a Spencer some day. I know I've caused a lot of pain, and I'm not always sure that even I want to be associated with my name._

 _I will always regret what I did to you and your mom. I wanted to be there for you. In fact, I was really excited about being a dad. I thought of all the fun things that we could do together. I had big plans for us, kid. Then you were born, and I realized just how helpless you were. This tiny human being with no ability to take care of himself. I got scared. What if I messed you up? What if I couldn't be a good dad? What if I dropped you or hugged you too tight? I kept thinking these thoughts over and over until I thought I would explode. So I left._

 _At first, I was only gonna take a drive and then come back. I really just wanted to clear my head. The problem was that my head just wouldn't clear. So I kept driving. Everyone was calling me - your mom, Carlton, your grandpa, Gus. Eventually, I just couldn't handle it. I threw the phone away, and I just kept driving. All the while, I never stopped thinking about you. That was why I kept coming back. Every time I did, though, I could see how much it was tearing you and your mom apart. I couldn't bear to stay, but I couldn't bear to stay away. It was Carlton that finally got through my thick skull. I said some mean things to him, and he ignored them like he always has. He's a bigger man than I am. He's a better man than I am, and I'm old enough to admit that now. He told me to man up or get the hell out. I couldn't step up. I barely knew you, and your mom very obviously wanted nothing to do with me. It isn't her fault, though. I was angry at the time. I was angry that no one could see it my way, but too stubborn to see that my way was wrong. I was also angry that Carlton was there for you and your mom. That was supposed to be my job, but I gave it up._

 _I'm grateful to him, now. I can see how he has helped you to be a strong young man. I'm glad that you have him. He's a good man, and someone you should strive to be like. I'm positive he never thought I would say so, but I've always respected him. I hope someday you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't. I just didn't want you to be in the same position I was - full of regret because I didn't make amends while I still could. This is me trying to make amends. I'm sorry, Julian. I'm sorry to you, your mom, Carlton, Gus, and everyone else I've hurt along the way. I'm sorry._

 _Love always,_

 _Shawn Spencer_

 **So we finally find out what Shawn was up to! I've had part of the gun shop written since right after I finished the first chapter, and part of the letter written since Tuesday night. Some of it was even a surprise to me, though!**


	7. The Big Talk

**Merry Christmas! I'm finally getting around to this chapter.**

Despite the effort he had put into the letter he wrote, Shawn was surprised when the doorbell rang. He'd poured his heart out, but he hadn't believed it would suffice.

He opened the door to find Julian, and was unsurprised to find Carlton right next to him. Gus hadn't been able to find anything out from Shawn, so Carlton had been surprised when Julian showed him the note. He'd of course been more than willing to accompany the boy for this talk.

Julian's face displayed an array of emotion, though most of the expression showed a mix of anger and genuine fear.

"Hello, Jay. Carlton. Would you like to come in?" Shawn gestured to the living room couch.

Carlton nodded, while Julian took in everything that had changed in the house since he last came to visit his grandfather.

"You changed the living room a lot," Carlton noted.

Shawn nodded. "A lot of the furniture Dad had was falling apart. I had to get rid of a lot. My dad was never very sentimental, so I don't think he'd mind."

Julian and Carlton nodded. What little mementos Henry had kept, he had left to Julian in his will. He'd always hoped Julian would have a chance to know his father, even if that chance came only through pictures.

There was a lull, and then Julian spoke up. Both adults had agreed without speaking that Julian would lead this conversation. "Are you... Are you really dying?"

Shawn shrugged. "I really have cancer, but the doctors are giving me a good chance of remission. They caught it early, and I'm told that helps a lot."

"Can I see it?"

Shawn nodded and pulled off his shirt. He pointed to a discolored and raised patch of skin on his upper right arm, and a smaller one on his shoulder. "I told you I had malignant melanoma. This is where the tumors were. They did a surgery and removed them. I didn't mention that it spread, but luckily just to my prostate. I've been undergoing chemotherapy, and I'll find out next week if it's working."

Julian nodded as Shawn put his shirt back on. "Why do you still have hair?"

Shawn reached up and pulled off his hairpiece, then put it back on again. "I don't. Dr. Reidman knew a guy."

"Is that your doctor?" Carlton asked, vaguely remembering the man.

Shawn shook his head. "He's my primary care physician since moving back, but I have to see an oncologist for the cancer."

After a few moments of silence, Julian asked what they all knew he was wondering. "Why did you leave? I know you said you got scared but we both know that's a load of bull."

Shawn sighed. "I suppose it is a really stupid reason to abandon your family. I'll never stop regretting it. I wasn't lying, though, Jay. When I first found out your mom was pregnant, I was psyched! I was thinking of all the cool stuff we could do together. I used to be pretty decent at softball, you know, and I was thinking about how early I could teach you. I was gonna introduce you to all the greatest foods! I figured we'd have to drive down here to get some of them, but that's okay. Road trip! I was so excited to show you the whole world."

Shawn took a deep breath, then continued. "The day you were born, the hospital was full of people. We had people flying in from all over the country just to meet you, little dude. Everyone was so excited, and your mom and I most of all. We'd decided on Julia Karen Spencer for a girl, or Julian Carl Spencer for a boy. We wanted to reflect people without whom we never would have met or gotten the chance to become so close. Gus was a little jealous about that. You were finally born, and all I could think was that you were beautiful. I know everyone says that, and that newborns tend to be kind of ugly, but I swear that you weren't. You were all the best parts of your mom and I. You got my eyes and my hair, but mostly her features. You got a brain more powerful than either of ours, though you shouldn't ask me how I know that."

Julian's eyes narrowed. "How _do_ you know that?"

"I kept up with you. To be exact, your mom made sure I kept up with you. It's not anything bad, Jay, I'm just embarrassed that I got to know my own son mostly through emails. I really didn't stick around long enough to truly get to know what a strong and amazing young man you'd become."

Julian was almost in tears. He had no idea how to handle the mix of emotions in his head. Carlton just reached out a hand and rubbed the boy's back.

"You kept coming back, so why didn't you stay?"

Shawn frowned. "Part of me wanted to. I just couldn't handle the responsibility. I wasn't as much of a grown up as I sometimes thought I was. I honestly think you're more of an adult at fourteen than I was at forty-five. As much as I never stopped loving you, I just wasn't ready to be a man. Carlton pointed that out to me."

Carlton said nothing.

"He's proving my point right now," Shawn added. "Carlton could be saying all sorts of things right now. God knows I've never been all that nice to him. He's a good man, though, and that's why he doesn't."

"He's the best man," Julian said fiercely, surprising even Carlton.

Shawn just nodded. "He is. I am forever grateful that you have him. There's no man in this world I would trust more with my son than Carlton Lassiter."

Carlton himself looked stunned. He'd read the letter, but part of him had thought the kind words were just a ploy to get them to come.

"Can I show you something?" Shawn asked.

Julian nodded slowly, unsure of what was coming.

"Be right back."

Shawn ran up the stairs, then returned a few minutes later with a large box. He opened it up, then pulled out a shoebox. This he handed to Julian, who promptly opened it. What he found was hundreds and hundreds of photos of him through the years. Most looked to have been taken with a cell phone camera in what appeared to be the house Gus had bought, but a few of the earlier ones were taken in this very house and stapled to letters.

"My dad really tried to get me to come back for good. He tried up until I signed those divorce papers, and then he gave up. I kept them all, though. Every picture and every letter that ever made its way to me is in that box. Some didn't appear until I rented an apartment a few years ago, but most came to me on the road somehow. Your mom sent emails about you occasionally, but no pictures. I've treasured them."

He reached into the box and pulled out a bunch of packages of various sizes and various wrappings. "These are all for you, though I'm sure you won't want most of them. I bought you a birthday present every year, and sometimes Christmas. I sent a few in the early days, and I know you got those. After we got divorced, though... I just never found the strength to send them anymore."

He picked up a the largest present with the freshest wrapping. "This is the only one I think you'll want. I just bought it."

Julian nodded, and soberly opened the present. Inside, he found the new gaming rig from the mall. He looked at Carlton who simply smiled at him encouragingly. He looked up at Shawn with no emotion. "Return it."

"What?"

Julian shook his head. "I don't want it. Thank you for thinking of me, but you can't buy your way into my life. Especially when you're still keeping a secret."

Shawn rubbed his neck and laughed sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"I'm pretty smart," Julian replied. "Two cups on the table, too much food for one person, too many freshly-used plates in the sink, and little touches around the house." He gestured around the living room at the little things he had seen that did not seem to belong to Shawn. "Mom saw that same blanket in a store one time, and she very nearly bought it."

Shawn nodded. "I've been seeing someone. Her name is Abby, and I went to school with her. I blew my chance with her over and over, and I'm determined to do it right this time."

"Does she have any kids?"

Shawn nodded. "She has two a little older than you. One is eighteen and the other is fifteen."

Julian pushed the box away. "Give it to them."

Shawn shook his head. "I've never met them, Jay, and it wouldn't matter anyway. I bought this for you, and it will be here until you take it home."

Julian stood angrily. "I don't want it. I won't ever want it."

Shawn growled in frustration. "Can't you see I'm trying to make up for all the pain I caused?"

Julian turned and ran out the door.

Shawn looked at Carlton helplessly. "I don't understand what I did wrong. I thought he would like it."

Carlton stood and shook his head at the younger man. "It's not about the gift, Spencer. Everything was going just fine until you stopped listening to him. You kept trying to push him. You didn't respect his decision. _That_ is why he got frustrated and ran out. He wanted you to listen. He wanted to see if you knew him well enough to listen."

"But how could I possibly know that? How could he expect me to?"

"Because he's 14, Shawn. He may be smart and mature on the outside, but he's still just a scared little boy inside. He's a kid who's been hurt by you before. He's a kid who has felt his whole life that you in particular never cared enough to get to know him and listen to him. He's a kid, Spencer. I know you're trying, and I can see that I was wrong about you. It's evident that you actually want to get to know him and make amends. Gifts aren't the way to do it, though."

Shawn shook his head. "Then what do I do? I know I seriously screwed up any chance of being close to him, but I really want to get to know him. I swear to you, Carlton, I just want to know him."

Carlton pointed at the door. "Then go talk to him. I can't promise you won't have a chase on your hands, and I know that won't be easy on you given your medical state, but he'll stop eventually. If you really mean it, Spencer - if you really and truly want to be in his life - then go out there and fight for him. Don't just tell him he matters to you. Go out there and show it."

Shawn nodded resolutely. He stood up with some difficulty, but he fought his way up and out the door.

 **I'm not sure how I feel about where this went, but this story has a mind of it's own. They were going to have a pleasant conversation, and Juliet was even planning to show up, but then this happened. Oh well.**

 **I changed around the two stories that come before this to fit into existing canon, and I figured I would make Julian's Shawn-related issues stem from him being younger when Shawn left. Now Carlton has been around full-time since Julian was nine instead of 11, and Shawn left forever when Julian was 4.5 instead of six.**


	8. Long Overdue Amends

**Sorry that I keep disappearing. I've been neglecting my writing - all of my writing - but I'm finally finishing this.**

Shawn felt the effects of running almost the moment he started, but he continued to run all the same.

There was no sign of Julian immediately outside of the house. Shawn looked all around to see if the boy had hidden, but did not notice anything out of place. He was about to turn down the street when he saw movement coming from the beach.

He approached the sandy shore slowly, unsure if the boy would bolt again. He gently sat down next to Julian, then turned to look out at the waves just as the younger Spencer was doing.

"I'm sorry, Jay."

The boy just shrugged a shoulder, still staring out at the surf.

"I know it's not an excuse, but I'm pretty new at this. I also know that's my own fault. I should have come back around. I could have - I thought about it a million times. I just always managed to convince myself you would be better off without me."

Julian still said nothing, but Shawn continued.

"I was right, you know. You were much better off without me. You were blessed with the best mom anyone could ask for, and twice blessed with the gift of Carlton. I cannot tell you enough how glad I am that you have him. He's a better father than I could ever have hoped to be. I probably would have done something to mess you up. I was selfish, immature, a big fat idiot-"

Julian laughed slightly.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Shawn laughed slightly, too. "It's true, though. Only an idiot would let insecurities get in the way of being in your life. I know I've gotten all of my information through emails and letters, but I am constantly amazed by how brilliant and amazing you are. I now know from meeting you that you are also the strongest person I've ever met. You've had to be strong for a long, long time, though, and that's not very fair to you."

Shawn noticed tears silently falling from Julian's hazel eyes.

"I'm going to shut up, now. Carlton told me that I need to listen, and I'm ready to learn how. Anything you want to say to me - absolutely anything at all, you're welcome to say it. Yell at me, scream, cry, hit me in the-"

Shawn stopped talking immediately as Julian reached over and hugged him around the neck.

The boy let out a strangled sob, then began to weep. When he was calm, he let go and sat back on the sand. "I don't forgive you. Not yet."

Shawn nodded. "You talking to me is more than I deserve."

Julian nodded, his expression resolute. "It is. You did a terrible thing, and nothing excuses that."

"I know."

"If you really mean it, though - If you're really and truly here to get to know me and you aren't gonna leave this time, then I guess I can give you a chance."

Shawn could read the uncertainty written all over Julian's face.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jay." He pointed over to his dad's truck. "I sold my motorcycle and did some repairs on the truck. I got the house inspected and fixed up everything that wasn't up to code. I also just got a job as a receptionist at a law office. It isn't much, but it's a job."

Julian nodded slowly. "Can we go back up to the house? Carlton is probably worried."

Shawn agreed, and the two headed back up the beach.

* * *

Juliet was halfway to Santa Barbara when she got the call from her husband.

"Hi, Carlton. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, we just left Shawn and are headed home. Hopefully you didn't make the trip yet."

"I started to, but that's okay. How did it go?"

"It went alright. You're on the car speaker so I'm sure Jay can tell you more."

Julian spoke up from the passenger seat. "Hi, Mom."

"Are you alright, Jay?"

"Yes, I surprisingly am. I don't really feel like talking about it a lot, but I think he's really going to stay this time, Mom. We talked a lot, and he seemed to be telling the truth."

"You usually have a sense for that. Well, you know I'll support your decisions no matter what. If you want to give him a chance, I will support that decision. But Julian?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"Be careful. Guard your heart."

Julian nodded, though he knew she couldn't see it. "I will."

"Will we see you at home?" Carlton asked.

"Not quite yet. I'd like to pay a visit to Shawn and clear some things up with him."

"Alright. Let me know when you're heading home and I will start dinner."

"Will do. I love you both."

"Love you, too," both replied.

* * *

Juliet arrived at the quiet home and found Shawn sitting on a bench on the porch.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," she replied, coming to sit down next to him.

"I thought I might get a visit from you. Or at least, I hoped I might."

Juliet nodded.

The two sat in silence for a few moments, then Shawn finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, Juliet. I know an apology will never make up for what I put you both through. I cannot express in words how sorry I am."

Juliet sighed, long and deep. "I was mad. For a very long time, I was mad. In fact, I was livid. I know you knew."

Shawn nodded. "I did. Are you still mad?"

"Honestly, a little bit. Julian has a lot of struggles because of you. Carlton mentioned that he told you. I struggled for a while, too. It was a cruel thing to do, Shawn. After everything you went through with your parents, you had to know you leaving would cause nothing but pain."

Shawn nodded sadly.

"There's a big part of me, though, that believes you did us a favor."

"Because of Carlton?"

She nodded. "Among other things. You and I - we weren't right for each other. If you hadn't left, I'm not sure I wouldn't have spent years trying to making it work with you for Julian's sake. Our lives could have been very different and fraught with trouble. Julian could have ended up completely screwed up because of both of us - God knows how hard your parents' divorce was on you when you were nearly an adult."

Shawn agreed, but said nothing.

"And Carlton is a truly good man. I'm glad you can recognize that."

"He's a good father," Shawn replied. "I can see that. He would go to the ends of the earth for you two, and it shows in his fierce determination to protect you both."

Juliet looked at him in surprise. "You really have grown up."

Shawn laughed. "It only took a life-threatening illness to get me there."

"Everyone grows up some time."

They both stood up.

"Thank you for coming to speak with me, Juliet. Would you want to come in for tea or anything?"

She shook her head. "I should be getting home."

He smiled sadly as he nodded. She gave him a brief hug, and turned to leave.

"Wait! Can I ask you something?"

She turned back around.

"Could I - I mean, if it's alright with Julian, of course... Could I maybe see him some times? Like maybe take him to dinner sometimes or have him around on school holidays?"

Juliet shrugged. "If it's alright with Julian, then that's fine with me. I can give him your phone number, if you'd like."

Shawn nodded eagerly and ran to fetch a piece of paper and a pen.

She took it and put it in her pocket. "Oh, and Shawn?"

"Yes?"

"If you EVER hurt him again, I will personally shoot you directly in the heart."

He nodded. "I deserve that."

* * *

*EPILOGUE*

\- One Year Later -

When Juliet arrived, she found the door partway open and the sound of a video game going in the background. She knocked just loud enough to be heard, and Shawn approached the door and let her in.

"He's just in the living room."

Julian smiled when he saw her and paused his game on the gaming rig. "Hi, Mom!"

He saved the game, then put the equipment down on the table. He picked up a duffle bag and walked over to them.

"Did you have a fun weekend?" she asked as she ruffled his hair.

He laughed and playfully swatted her hand away. "Yeah, it was great! Dad and I went fishing out on the lake, and we met this weird old dude you guys knew like 20 years ago. What was his name again, Dad?"

"Woody," Shawn replied with a laugh.

"Yeah, he was super weird. We also went to dinner with Abby and Kevin, and Kevin said when he gets his license he'll take me to this cool arcade downtown."

Juliet shook her head. "We'll have to talk about that, but I'm glad you had a good weekend. Are you ready to go?"

Julian smiled and ran over to hug his dad. "Bye, Dad! See you on Wednesday night! Don't forget, I wanna go to that new restaurant with the cool hot dogs."

Shawn nodded. "I'll make a reservation. Bye, buddy!"

As he cleaned up the video game equipment, Shawn thanked whatever higher power was up there for the relationship he now had with his son. The past year hadn't been easy, but it had been more than worth it. He was almost grateful for the cancer he had finally beat the past May for giving him the push he needed to make amends and fix things. He stood in that living room one year later, cancer-free and truly happy.

THE END


End file.
